Sometimes I feel like a terrible person. It seems like I keep going through cycles of having the same conversation with my stepmother. I usually feel so bad after these conversations.
She knows that my father has dementia. It has been explained to her that it cannot be cured like an infection is cured with an antibiotic. Yes, she does understand this.
She did try to have him at home and that was a nightmare. It was a bit dangerous for the both of them due to his anger outbursts and certain behaviors. From time to time, she makes comments about she can’t bring my dad home from the nursing home unless he is well, why doesn’t the doctor fix his medicine so he can get well, etc. I know it all stems from emotions and the lingering wish for a miracle.
Those type of comments usually turn into the discussions where I end up needing to say things that we both know, yet it seems I have to remind her. I understand hanging onto hope. I have tried to just let the comments slide by instead of responding. But it seems when I let it go, she gets more caught up in talking like she thinks he could get well. I also notice she starts running herself more ragged between home, work, and the nursing home and gets more frustrated because there is no progress in his condition. There is no progress because he will not be cured.
So, I end up having to be the one to talk to her and bring reality back into her thought process. No matter how gentle I try to be about it, some times she looks or sounds so devastated and hurt. But, I can’t sit back and watch her spiral down and tear herself apart more trying for something that isn’t going to happen. I want her to try to find some way to enjoy what time she can with him.
Makes me feel worse that, at times, I get frustrated because it’s not always easy to set my own emotions aside. Some times it is hard to have to be the rational, realistic one. I often feel like I cannot find a way to adjust with the situation and face my own feelings. It is hard enough to do that with all of the unexpected things with my dad due to the effects of dementia. Add in being the one who is expected to be level headed, rational, and to “have it all together”. It’s hard to feel like I will ever have it together.