His Birthday is Tomorrow; Where Will His Mind Be?

Tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. I have no idea if I will be able to see him or speak to him on the phone. This is frustrating.

He has moments when he misses me & can’t understand why I’m not around all of the time now. He’ll call wanting to talk or say he wants me to come see him. He says he knows he may have done or said something but doesn’t know what & asks if I’m mad at him. I always say, “No, Dad. I am not mad at you!” I mean things are just what they are. I get mad at the dementia. I get mad at the situations. But, as for him, I just pretty much have to roll with the punches & let it slide.

Other moments, he is moody & insists on going on & on about his wife. In those moods he thinks he can’t trust her. He thinks that she is trying to run his life because she had no choice but to get court ordered guardianship, thinks she has taken all of his money (he didn’t have any to take), thinks he gets thousands of dollars a month social security & she is stealing that, thinks she has boyfriends & is doing all sorts of things. It is hard when he is in those moods. I try to distract him by changing the subject. But that doesn’t always work. The more he goes on the worse he will act towards her. The woman is 83 years old, insists on working about 15 hours a week, & runs herself ragged to be there for my dad.

With some of his moods, it best that I stay away. In those moods he thinks I have brainwashed his wife to think something is wrong with him & to control him, that I have stolen money (again that he never had) & a slew of other things. If I go around or even call during or around the time of those moods, it gets bad. He is terrible to his wife & becomes completely uncooperative at the nursing home. I hate seeing those effects & feel like it’s unfair for his wife to suffer because I called or visited.

Then there are the spells where he may act okay towards me, but seeing me gets him caught in one terrible delusion he has. Sigh, he has at times insisted that he just knows that his wife is after my husband to replace him. In those times he thinks something is going on between his wife & my husband. Remember I said she is a little, bitty 83 year old woman. What makes it more sad is before his stroke & for a few months after (before the dementia & delusions became worse), he thought the world of my husband. He always went on & on about how he didn’t know what he would do without my husband being around to help.

I try to change the subject & ignore the things that I can. But I always have to be careful that he isn’t going to be worse towards his wife or start arguing with & trying to leave the nursing home. I just want my step-mother to have what moments she can with him, while she can. Plus, having him become combative & trying to slip away from the nursing home is just too much.

If he has moments of himself or just confusion & mild delusions, I can talk to him & visit. But it is always a guessing game. Even if I get to see him, I have to watch for signs that his mental state is shifting, so I know if I need to leave or get off of the phone.

So, tomorrow is his birthday. I have no idea today if I will get to call or see him tomorrow. I just have to wait & see what tomorrow brings to know what is best for everyone.

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