I can stand in a room full of people & feel moments of such loneliness.
I look around & wonder how can they all just go on like nothing is different? They make plans. They laugh. They relax & let their guard down.
At times, I feel so different. I often feel like I’m waiting for the next shoe to drop. Some days it feels like a dozen pairs of shoes drop down on my head. Many times I am just too tired to really laugh. I make plans with stipulations. My plans are always along the lines of I will “this” as long as “this” or “that”.
I am often told to just unplug my house phone & turn off my cellphone. Nice thought. But with my dad’s health issues, emergencies often pop up. With my dad’s dementia, things often come up & I have to be reachable to handle, deal with, or solve the problem; to make decisions.
My 83 year old step-mother has some health issues. Plus with all of the stress & suddenly not having her husband at home needs my help with quite an array of things. So for even her sake, I cannot just relax & turn off the phones. What would have happened for example the 2 different nights we had temperatures well below 0 & her furnace went out or the night she had to go to the E.R. with terrible pain? She never would have been able to get a hold of me.
When you have a family member with dementia, you never know what will happen from day to night or day to day. When you are the one who has to answer questions, make decisions & the one whom has to take care of other family also, there are times it feels like your life is no longer yours. Your life feels like everything in it has flipped upside down.
Don’t get me wrong. I do not resent or get mad that they need me. I do sometimes question why there aren’t others to help carry some of the load. Yes, I attempted to step back thinking some would step up & that came to the border of disaster.
Life is what it is. I have to just deal with it as best as I can. No, I don’t resent the ones I care for. But, sometimes when you are a caretaker to any degree, you can have moments of feeling really lonely. It gets hard when it feels like people around you don’t quite get the adjustments you have had to make in your life, why you are so tired, or why you cannot commit to long term plans.
If you have those moments from time to time, remember you are not alone. There are others in this world who “get it” & understand. I KNOW it’s not the same as having someone right there who understands. But, know there is nothing wrong with you. You are not alone in this, no matter how lonely it all may make you feel.