Holidays..
Special events…
Various events and special occasions and dates still come around as usual after the loss of a parent. You can’t stop it. You know different times or days may be a struggle and you try to mentally prepare yourself. No matter how prepared you try to be, there are going to be those tough moments to get through.
Then there will still be random things or certain days that come up where it catches you off guard; times or days that you didn’t think would bring up memories, sadness, or the ache of the loss. No matter how strong you try to be, these things will happen. There isn’t much you can do other than just work your way through these situations.
My birthday turned out to be one of those unexpected times, in more ways than one.
I’m a big girl. I’m a mom and a grandma, many times over. Yes, all grown up and then I woke up the morning of my birthday.
Usually there isn’t a big deal made about my birthday. It comes and goes every year. Over the years as my children grew up, they would make me cards and gifts or buy me something and my husband gives me a little gift or card. We traditionally allow the birthday person to chose what to have for dinner. My husband would make a cake or brownies. Then one year, I got about the best present a mom could get, one of my daughters was born on my birthday. From that time on, I always wanted to make that day my daughter’s special day. Of course, I still have always hoped that family and friends would remember my birthday and yes, I always appreciate any special efforts or gifts from loved ones.
The morning of my birthday came around; my first one since my dad passed away. I opened my eyes and as I laid there in bed, things I hadn’t expected started hitting me. My first thoughts were about my daughter and her birthday. Then, I remembered, it’s my birthday.
My birthday. As I laid there, the realization that this is my first birthday without a parent or a grandparent really hit me. Like I said, I am a mom and grandma, but still it just seems like I’m too young for this to be occurring. Maybe it’s just me, but under 50 just seems too young to not have any parents or grandparents left in this world. Yes, I know many people live with this experience, and while there is never a good or emotionally acceptable time for this, under 50 just seems so young.
I recalled my first birthday after my mom passed away. I remember waking up as a 17 year old and realizing my birthday, my world would be forever changed. My mom was big on celebrating birthdays and holidays. She was the one who made the birthday cakes. She always made sure they were homemade; never a store bought birthday cake. That year, I woke up and realized I would never have a homemade birthday cake made by my mom. I would never hear her sing “Happy Birthday” again. I realized I would never again be able to share that day with the woman who brought me into this world. My birthday would forever have a different feel.
Now, on this day, I laid there realizing that I felt a loss of the last connection to my childhood of birthdays. I would never again have a parent here to say, “Happy birthday“.
My dad didn’t make a huge deal out of my birthday, but I still knew I would hear from or see him. I would get a card that was signed by his recognizable signature of “Dad“. I would usually get an early morning call from him. Sometimes if he felt up to it, he would come see me later in the day. Even though he went through so much medically, often getting confused or having things distorted by delusions the last two years due to damage from the stroke and dementia, my dad still remembered my birthday. He still told me happy birthday. I realized, as I laid there, there will be no call or a card signed “Dad” this year or ever again. I guess I never realized, until that moment, how much those simple calls and cards had meant to me. One of those moments that you don’t realize what something means to you until it’s gone.
Laying there, I knew I had lost a connection to my childhood. I realized that I would always miss that. Even though I was a grownup mom and grandma, suddenly, after all of these years of being so low key about my own birthday, I yearned for that feeling that you get when your parents wish you a happy birthday and the times of celebrating the day. I suddenly missed that feeling, when like years ago, it was a day that had a feel of excitement. I missed that connection to those who had been there the day of of my birth. I missed that simple phone call and that simple card.
So, my birthday arrived. The emotions and memories came pouring in. I’m not saying my birthday is ruined. The day will always be awesome being as I share it with one of my daughters. I am just saying, my birthday will forever have a different feeling due to connections that cannot be replaced. I will always think of my mom, my dad, and my grandparents on this day. If it wasn’t for these people, I wouldn’t be here to have a birthday. 🙂
But, I will be okay (as I promised you, Dad).